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Yu Sin-mui broke down in tears when discussing the future that she and her husband had envisioned for themselves.
“In the past, I did have some hopes with my husband [for] what we are going to do after retirement,” Yu, 67, told Young Post through a translator.
“But once my husband had his accident, my hope kind of just faded out.”
Though she was a senior citizen herself, Yu became a carer for her husband. While he is now in a home for the elderly, she still spends much of her time tending to his emotional needs.
Yu is one of many older women in Hong Kong thrust into caring roles.
This is becoming more common, according to Bonnie Cheung, coordinator of Hong Kong Christian Service’s active ageing and community care services.
Last August, the charity surveyed 499 carers of the elderly and found that 81.8 per cent of respondents were female. Their results also showed that 40.7 per cent were aged 61 or older. Those being cared for were mainly parents or spouses.
“The population is getting older ... Hong Kong households are very small, so there are few families who are living with their extended family,” Cheung said.
“So most of the elderly couples, they just live together with themselves only, and even their adult children could not spare some time to take care of them due to Hong Kong’s working situation.”
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Becoming a carer
Yu first met her husband when she was in her early 20s.
“People were saying that [he] is handsome, like a local film star,” Yu said, but added that she was more captivated by his wisdom. The two married in 1983.
After decades of a happy marriage, her husband took a hard fall during the Covid-19 pandemic. Around the same time, he also had a stroke. Yu became his primary carer while he struggled to recover.
“Apart from the physical condition change, his emotions and character changed as well, and I found it difficult to communicate with him because his temper just changed a lot ... That was really stressful,” Yu said.
After discussing the situation with her children, the family decided to lighten Yu’s burden by placing her husband in a home for the elderly.
Ceci Chan, 61, has been looking after her family’s needs for many years. She is responsible for her adult son, who has health issues. She was taking care of her father until he died about five years ago. Then, Chan started looking after her mother, who is now 80.
Chan explained that before her father passed, he did all the housework and cooking.
“Once my father passed away, I realised that my mother didn’t even know how to take care of her daily life, not even how to prepare a meal for herself,” Chan said through a translator. “So I started to step in.”
Physical and emotional toll
Being a carer stretches people physically and emotionally.
Chan, who was recently diagnosed with a mild cognitive impairment, fears that she will struggle to continue looking after her son and mother.
She added that, though she had become closer to her mother after caring for her, they would often clash.
For Yu, after her husband fell, his physical abilities deteriorated. Now that he is in a home for the elderly, her duties consist of providing emotional support, bringing him extra food and keeping him company.
“My husband is not so organised in speech, and I might have to clarify with him about what he’s thinking,” she said, adding that the hardest part had been coping with her husband’s moods.
“The tension between myself and my husband and the temper change ... I felt that as unbearable.”
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A need for change
Cheung advised elderly carers to seek out support services provided by the government. But she said these programmes needed to conduct more outreach.
“For someone who is not a professional, it’s quite difficult for them to find those services,” she noted.
Yu and Chan both hope for a shift in mentality in Hong Kong society.
Yu said, “Most caregivers ... have to just take it in and endure the current situation and not seek change proactively because we are bound by cultural [expectations].”
Chan agreed, noting the expectation for daughters to become carers. When her parents’ health first started to decline, she suggested splitting the responsibility with her brother. Her mother quickly turned down this idea.
“I feel that society expects someone who is female, especially the daughter, to step in first to take care of parents whenever there’s a need,” she said.
Chan added that carers often felt guilty for taking breaks, but it was crucial to “refresh themselves”.
Yu shared a word of encouragement: “Carers have a choice. I strongly suggest elderly caregivers should save some time for themselves and not lose themselves in the caring duties.”
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