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Yu Sin-mui began crying when discussing the future she imagined for herself and her husband.
“In the past, I did have some hopes with my husband [for] what we are going to do after retirement,” Yu, 67, said through a translator. “But once my husband had his accident, my hope kind of just faded out.”
Yu looked after her husband, who is 75, until she could no longer support his physical needs. He is now in a home for the elderly. But she still spends most of her time tending to his emotional needs.
Yu is one of many older women in Hong Kong who are taking care of a spouse or parent.
Last August, Hong Kong Christian Service surveyed 499 carers of the elderly. They found that 81.8 per cent of respondents were female, and 40.7 per cent of the carers were aged 61 or older. Most of them were looking after their parents or spouses.
Psychiatrist and an elderly volunteer on why Hong Kong’s seniors are sad
Becoming a carer
During the Covid-19 pandemic, Yu’s husband took a hard fall. Around the same time, he also had a stroke. Yu became his carer.
“Apart from the physical condition change, his emotions and character changed as well. His temper just changed a lot ... That was really stressful,” Yu said.
After speaking with her children, they decided to place Yu’s husband in a home for the elderly.
Now, Yu visits him to give emotional support, bring him extra food and keep him company.
“My husband is not so organised in speech, and I might have to clarify with him about what he’s thinking,” she said.
Ceci Chan, 61, has been caring for her family for many years. She looks after her adult son, who has health problems. She has also been taking care of her 80-year-old mother ever since her father died.
“Once my father passed away, I realised that my mother didn’t even know how to take care of her daily life,” Chan said through a translator. “So I started to step in.”
She added that she had become closer to her mother, but they would still argue.
Chan, who now has some problems with memory, fears that she will struggle to continue being a carer in the future.
A need for change
Yu and Chan both hope for Hong Kong society to change its expectations of carers.
“Most caregivers ... endure the current situation and not seek change proactively because we are bound by cultural [expectations],” Yu said.
Chan agreed, noting society’s expectation for daughters to be carers. When her parents’ health first started to worsen, she suggested sharing the responsibility with her brother. Her mother quickly turned down this idea.
“I feel that society expects someone who is female, especially the daughter, to step in first,” she said.
Yu added a word of encouragement to others in her situation: “Carers have a choice. I strongly suggest elderly caregivers should save some time for themselves and not lose themselves in the caring duties.”
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