Do you have a personal question you’ve been too afraid to ask? Whether it is about school, family or your social life, you can share it with us through this form. Don’t worry, you’ll remain anonymous.
Dear Friend,
I am very shy at school, and I find it hard to make friends. When we have group projects, I want to join my classmates, but I am too nervous to ask. When I do ask, I start to stutter, and it is embarrassing. Please help me.
Signed, In My Quiet Cocoon
Dear Quiet Cocoon,
Being shy at school and finding it hard to make friends is something many young people go through, even if others might not show it. You’re not alone in feeling like this, and it’s completely OK to be nervous.
It’s great that you still want to join your classmates on group projects even though you feel shy. This shows that you are looking for chances to step out of your comfort zone.
When you’re feeling too nervous to talk to someone or when you start stuttering, this might be your brain trying to protect you from rejection. That can make your heart race and your voice shaky. Afterwards, the embarrassment might make you feel even more nervous next time.
But these are completely normal reactions to have when you feel shy. It will take time and repeated practice before you feel more confident when making friends. Here are some ideas to help you along the way.
Start with tiny steps
Try giving a small compliment to a classmate like, “I really liked your presentation!” or “Your idea in class was great.” These can make the other person smile and could even spark a conversation.
Practise what you want to say at home
Stand in front of a mirror and say, “Hi, can I join your group for the project?” a few times. You can also try other questions you’ve been thinking about asking in school. The more you rehearse, the easier it becomes in real life. You can also make it fun by practising in front of a stuffed toy or imagining that you are speaking to your favourite character.
Try breathing exercises
When you feel nervous, breathe in slowly for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds and exhale for another four. This exercise tells your body, “Hey, I’m OK. Everything is OK. I just want to do this one thing. I can relax now.”
Look out for other quiet classmates
They may be feeling just as nervous and might be hoping someone else reaches out first. You don’t need to become the most talkative person in class to find friends, and friendships can start from short compliments or quiet moments working with others.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Even if a conversation doesn’t go perfectly, or you find yourself stuttering, you’re becoming braver by trying. Shyness doesn’t disappear overnight, but don’t let it stop you from trying again the next day. You are already doing well by trying.
You’ve got this, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by James Pho, a counsellor at Your Relationship Clinic.
