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Dear Friend,
Is it OK to feel jealous if one of my friends is in a relationship but I am not? Also, what are the pros and cons of dating in secondary school? I’m very torn on what to do.
Signed, Green Eyes
Dear Green Eyes,
Your confusion and jealousy are understandable. Many students experience romantic attraction for the first time during puberty, and it can be tough to navigate all these new feelings. How you approach dating can have a significant impact on your well-being, so we have some words of advice on what to consider as you approach this aspect of life.
Help! I feel alone as my friends start dating
Pros of romance
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Developing social skills. Dating in secondary school can provide opportunities for learning how to communicate with people, compromise in the face of differing opinions, set boundaries and resolve conflict.
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Receiving emotional support. A healthy relationship gives comfort in challenging times, such as when you are stressed about school or struggle to keep up with peers. Being with someone who listens to how you feel and shares in your struggles can help you get through tough times.
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Having fun. Dating someone can bring many new enjoyable experiences that provide opportunities for intimacy and growth. With your significant other, you might try new activities and learn different skills that you would not have otherwise attempted.
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Getting to know yourself better. In the process of becoming closer with the person you’re attracted to, you not only gain a deeper understanding of your partner but also yourself. Exploring your similarities and differences can be an invaluable journey of discovery.
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Downsides of dating
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Intensifying a busy schedule. It is tough to balance your studies with dating. Taking care of a partner can be time-consuming, and it is easy to lose focus on your academics. Before starting a romantic relationship, consider whether you have the time and emotional energy to build an intimate connection with this person.
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Affecting other relationships. When you start dating someone, it might be challenging to also maintain your relationship with family and friends. The other people in your life might feel abandoned or jealous if you neglect to spend time with them.
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Struggling to deal with the ups and downs of dating. Though resolving disagreements can help you grow, it is still emotionally taxing to work through problems. Conflicts in close relationships are expected, and break-ups happen. If you end things with someone from the same school or friend group, you might still have to face them afterwards, which can be painful and confusing.
You did not mention exactly what your jealousy is about: are you upset that your friend is spending less time with you, or does the feeling stem from wanting to also be in a romantic relationship?
It is natural to be jealous if your friend has stopped prioritising you, but it is important to communicate openly with them. Make a plan to do something together, and tell your friend that you’d like to spend more time with them.
If you are envious of your friend’s romantic relationship, it is important to remember that what is right for one person may not be the same for the other. Don’t jump into a romance with just anyone. Take time to figure out why you want to date and whether you can address those reasons in other ways. For example, if you crave emotional support, focus on building strong, trusting friendships.
Engaging in intimate relationships is full of excitement and uncertainty. If you’re still unsure of what to do, talk to someone you trust about how you feel.
Here are more resources you can check out:
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
The question was answered by clinical psychologists from the Department of Health under Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.
