Need an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
What is the use of keeping a friend who cannot give me genuine help and advice? Should I maintain superficial relationships with people I don’t want to have as friends?
Sincerely, Friendly Questions
Help! My best friend has a different best friend – what should I do?
Dear Friendly Questions,
Some people prefer deep, meaningful relationships and are unhappy with casual friendships that revolve around just having fun and hanging out, and you might be one of those people.
But being able to offer “substantive help” isn’t the only reason to keep someone as a friend. There are other non-superficial reasons why people appreciate friendships; they are also about mutual trust and support, common interests, a shared identity, and even just feeling like someone accepts you for who you are.
It’s true that friends also provide emotional support, which can range from offering an ear and listening to giving advice. It sounds like your friends aren’t providing the help you need or expect.
If your frustration is due to previous experiences – if you had friends who would downplay your emotions and ignore your needs – it makes sense why you would ask this question.
If that’s the case, talk to an adult you trust, such as a counsellor or other mental health professional, to help you explore and address these thoughts and feelings. If you can free yourself from these hurtful experiences, you might be able to open your mind a little more and allow every friendship to speak for itself.
If your frustration has nothing to do with past negative experiences, then it is important to recognise that most young people are still maturing and learning. Even friends with good intentions might not always make you feel understood and validated, and they can get overwhelmed and experience burnout from trying to help. They’re probably doing the best they can, and it doesn’t mean they don’t care!
I try talking about my problems but everyone says to ‘toughen up’ – what should I do?
Make a list of the problems you have been expecting your friends to help with. Review the list with an adult you trust and consider if these are realistic expectations for friends your age. This will help you learn more about the matches and mismatches between your needs and your friendship network.
Finally, consider chatting with these friends about how you’d like to deepen your relationship and see if they would be open to it. Everyone has different ways of showing how they care; maybe they don’t know how you’ve been feeling. Of course, you do not need to be friends with people if you don’t want to, but it’s worth reflecting on the underlying causes and putting effort into resolving these issues, especially if they are people you have known for some time.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by James Yu, a clinical psychologist and associate professor at Hang Seng University of Hong Kong.
