Why are family gatherings stressful? A therapist gives her tips for getting through them

Difficulty: Summiteer (Level 3)

We’re almost at the end of Lunar New Year celebrations in Hong Kong. But with all the festivities and large family gatherings, this may have been a nerve-racking time.

Katie Leung Pui-yan, a partner, child and family therapist at Therapy Partners in Hong Kong, explains why festive seasons can be so challenging.

Why are big gatherings stressful?

Festive occasions often reunite people who do not typically see each other.

“These reunions often involve updates on each other’s lives, such as how school is going,” Leung said.

The therapist explained that family get-togethers often focus on good news and achievements.

However, this can be discouraging for those who do not feel like they are doing well in their studies; they might be struggling to keep up with what their family expects them to accomplish.

Leung said: “The expectation to showcase their achievements can be overwhelming, especially when they are already going through a difficult time. They might also dread having to share bad news or, even worse, explain their failures.”

She added that even those who did well in their studies might feel pressured to achieve more.

Katie Leung Pui-yan is a therapist in Hong Kong. Photo: Handout

How to reduce the stress

At large gatherings, you can try to spend time with people who will not push you into uncomfortable conversations. But if you cannot avoid them, you can learn how to move away from these tiring chats.

One good way to do so is by using humour.

Leung said: “You can be playful in your response. If someone asks about your grades, you can say, ‘That’s an interesting question, but what’s on the menu today?’ This shifts the focus without being rude.”

Leung pointed out that it might be difficult for young people to decline conversations or end them early, as this could be seen as disrespectful.

You can try to tell your parents about how some relatives say things that make you feel stressed. They could help you navigate these conversations more easily.

Also, try to adjust your thinking. Focus on the positive things you can enjoy at the get-together, such as having a delicious meal.

For anyone who has an effortless time at family gatherings, remember that not everyone might feel the same way. Try to be understanding of others who may not be as excited.

“Be there for them. Listen to what they have to say and offer your support. By simply listening, you could make a big difference,” Leung said.

Use the puzzle below to test your knowledge of the vocabulary words in the story.

Suggested answers

• Stop and think: What makes it hard to tell family about failure? It can be embarrassing to share our failures because we don’t know how they will react.

• Reflect: Why can big family gatherings be stressful for some people? These reunions mean that people might feel obligated to update their family on things in their life. Sometimes, this means sharing bad news or times that didn’t go very well, and this can be an unpleasant experience.

• Consider: What does Leung suggest for reducing the discomfort at these events? Leung says that you can use humour for a polite topic switch to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. You can also work together with your parents if there is a relative that tends to ask you invasive or overbearing questions. Finally, she said you can focus on the positive aspects of the family gathering.