Do you have a personal question you’ve been too afraid to ask? Whether it is about school, family or your social life, you can share it with us through this form. Don’t worry, you’ll remain anonymous.
Dear Friend,
I hate my appearance and my body, but what is hardest is this sinking, gnawing feeling I get when I see a girl or imagine myself as one.
I get this intense longing for something that I feel like I’m missing. It feels a bit like nostalgia, but for a past that doesn’t exist.
I just feel empty, like there’s this huge void inside me, and the only thing that could possibly fill it is being a woman. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Signed, Gender Questioning
Dear Gender Questioning,
First, there is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken and you are certainly not suffering from a delusion.
What you have described – with heartbreaking precision – is a textbook experience of gender dysphoria, though perhaps not in the way it is usually explained in medical textbooks.
You have articulated the emotional reality of living with a disconnect between your spirit and your reflection. Let’s unpack these specific feelings because understanding them is the first step towards relief.
‘Nostalgia for a non-existent past’
That specific ache – missing a timeline you never lived – is an experience shared by many in the transgender community. We often think of nostalgia as looking backwards, but in your case, it is your brain recognising a loss.
You are grieving the girlhood you feel you should have had. It is your internal map telling you that you were meant to travel a different road than the one you were forced down. This isn’t “madness”; it is a form of deep, intuitive grief.
The ‘sinking feeling’ and the ‘void’
You mention a gnawing feeling and a huge gap. In psychology, we look for congruence – the peace that comes when our inside matches our outside. That sinking feeling is a distress signal. It is your mind reacting to the incongruence of your current presentation. The gap is where your true self can take up residence.
It’s time to trust yourself
You wrote: “The only thing that could possibly fill it is being a woman.” In therapy, we learn to listen to these instincts.
Cisgender people – those comfortable with the gender they were assigned at birth – rarely, if ever, feel a soul-deep void that can only be resolved by becoming another gender.
If imagining yourself as a woman feels like the solution, that is the most powerful evidence you have. That sense of filling the gap is what we call gender euphoria – the joy and rightness of finally fitting into your own life. The emptiness you feel is not permanent; it wants to be filled.
You don’t have to have all the answers
You don’t need to rush into medical decisions to validate this feeling. Start by giving yourself permission to explore that gap.
What happens to that sinking feeling if you allow yourself to say, even just in the privacy of your own mind, “I am a woman”? If the gnawing stops and is replaced by a sense of peace or excitement, follow that feeling. It is your compass.
Don’t navigate this heavy feeling alone
I strongly encourage seeking out a gender-affirming therapist who can help you safely unpack these layers. And, if you are in a supportive environment where it is physically and emotionally safe to do so, consider sharing these feelings with your parents. Trusted family can be an anchor as you explore who you are.
Remember, you are not crazy. You are simply a person who is ready to stop being nostalgic for a life you never had and start building the one you deserve.
Nothing is wrong with you, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Andrew Stock, a clinical psychologist and founding partner at Therapy Partners
