Every week, Talking Points gives you a worksheet to practise your reading comprehension with exercises about the story we’ve written.
Leo* and his best friend attended the same primary and secondary schools. However, after Leo joined the school’s football team, they began to spend less time together.
During a heated confrontation, his friend lashed out, accusing Leo of ignoring him in favour of his new teammates. It seemed like this could be the end of their friendship.
This situation is common among teens, according to Katie Leung Pui-yan, a child and family therapist at Therapy Partners in Hong Kong. She emphasised the significance of developing resilience in friendships.
“It helps [teens] navigate major life transitions. When someone whom we are used to in our life is suddenly gone, resilience helps us to stand on our own two feet and make new friendships,” she said.
Making new friends can be tough for teens who already have to juggle schoolwork, extracurriculars and family responsibilities. It can also be difficult for teenagers to express themselves if they have been judged for sharing their feelings.
Leo wanted to explain to his best friend that he had to balance football practice with schoolwork. However, he was also concerned about being perceived as weak.
“I just wished he saw how hard I struggled instead of always blaming me for being busy after school,” the 17-year-old said.
Conflict resolution tips
Leung explained that conflicts among friends may arise due to differences in the values held by each individual.
“Conflict happens naturally [as a] result of different perspectives,” she said. “Once you accept that disagreement is normal, you can focus on a healthy recovery.”
Leung offered advice on resolving conflicts with friends.
First, take time to calm down and recognise your emotions, which may change from anger to sadness or a need for justice. Then, talk to your friend again and use “I statements” to express your point of view without accusing them of wrongdoing.
“Their reaction will tell you everything; if they still cannot respond with empathy after you’ve been honest, it’s time to consider if you should move on,” Leung said.
The therapist emphasised the importance of keeping an open mind when listening to others. Immediately disagreeing can make the other person feel defensive and unheard. Instead, try to restate what you’ve heard and acknowledge the other person’s feelings.
Leo realised that he and his best friend both wanted to spend more time together before graduating, and they are both making an effort to repair their friendship.
Friendship resilience strategies
But not all conflicts will have a positive outcome. Leung drew attention to three friendship killers: judgment, minimisation and dismissal.
Judgment occurs when someone considers a friend’s actions or feelings to be wrong or trivial. Minimisation involves downplaying their experience, believing they have overreacted. Dismissal could mean ignoring the issue by changing the subject or avoiding a response.
Leung also emphasised the risk of relying on a single social circle, as group dynamics are constantly changing. Friendships often dissolve due to shifting interests.
Building resilience in friendships also involves having a range of social outlets.
“Whether it’s through volunteering and community work [or] dance lessons, having backup communities outside of school ensures you always have a supportive group to turn to,” Leung said.
* Name changed at interviewee’s request
