Do you have a personal question that you’ve been too afraid to ask? Whether it is about school, family or your social life, you can share your thoughts with us by filling out this form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
Sometimes, my friends have conversations without me, and I am nervous they might be talking about me. I feel uneasy and scared. I worry that I am a failure and that my friends are just pretending to like me. However, I cannot muster the courage to tell them how I feel. What can I do?
Signed, Wary and Weary
Dear Wary,
It must be stressful and exhausting to be constantly wondering whether other people are speaking about you.
Be kind to yourself
I am curious why you believe people think you are a failure. Have you done something that your friends would not approve of? Would you judge someone else if they did what you did?
We often criticise ourselves more harshly than others. Try to give yourself a bit more compassion. Making mistakes doesn’t mean you are a failure – it just creates room for improvement.
Be kind to others
Do you hear your friends complain about each other? If so, I can see why you worry that they will do the same to you. If they try to start an unpleasant conversation with you, try changing the subject.
You can say, “Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about our friend this way.”
You can also reflect on how you view and speak about others. Practise using compassion when you catch yourself judging others. When we model kindness, our friends will follow. If your friends continue talking about other people in a hurtful way, then it is time to evaluate whether you want to remain close with them.
Assess your friendships
If you’re worried your friends are pretending to like you, here are a few questions to ask yourself.
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Is this how they treat other people?
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Do they often say one thing and mean another?
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Are they passive-aggressive with you?
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Do they make fun of you in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself?
If you answered yes to one or more of the above, it might be time to ask yourself whether you want people who do not treat others with respect in your life.
Assess your fears
Sometimes, unease is a sign to assess a situation thoroughly. If your friends treat you and others well, then it is unlikely that they are pretending to like you.
It may be helpful to reflect on your fears and consider the source of this self-doubt. Is it hard for you to believe that others like you for who you are? Do you feel like you are constantly struggling to prove that you are worthy of others’ friendship?
It might feel impossible to open up to someone about this, but it is worth sharing your insecurities and worries with others. This could help lighten your load.
Things are going to be OK, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Katie Leung Pui-yan, a practising child and family therapist and partner at Therapy Partners
