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Dear Friend,
How should I handle it when my divorced parents remarry? Both of my parents have new families now, and it feels like they have moved on. But I’m just stuck in the middle, and I have no idea where I am supposed to fit.
Signed, Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck,
Seeing your parents split up and find new families can be stressful and confusing, especially if it feels like you’re stuck in the middle. When dealing with complex family relationships, it is natural to feel sadness, anger, uncertainty and even a sense of betrayal.
Take time to feel and reflect on your emotions. This could mean writing about it in a journal, talking to a friend, taking walks to be alone with your thoughts, listening to music or making art. Spending this time with your emotions can reduce your distress and help you think more clearly about what to do next.
Maintain the bonds that exist
While your parents’ relationships have changed, their new marriages do not erase their roles as your parents. You still share your past experiences – and the chance to build more memories in the future. If you feel comfortable, talk to your parents about how you are feeling. It can be helpful to hear their reassurance that you are still part of their family.
Beyond hearing their words, quality time together is also key. You can continue to enjoy family time with them even if it looks different from before. What do you enjoy doing with your parents? Make plans with them to continue these activities regularly. Even if you don’t do these with both parents and can’t see them as much as you used to, you can create a schedule of having one-on-one time with each parent every week or every other week.
Be open to change
While it is important to maintain your individual relationships with your parents, you can also be open to spending time with their new partners and families. You do not have to pretend that everything is perfect, but being polite and trying to talk to them can help ease any tension. This creates an environment where everyone can get to know each other over time.
If you feel anxious, talk to your parent and look for ways to make these meetings more comfortable for you. You can do an activity that you all enjoy or keep the initial meetings shorter until you feel more at ease around them.
Build self-esteem on your own terms
Experiencing divorce can affect children’s self-esteem, but the truth is that your family structure does not define your worth. Focus on your goals, your studies, your hobbies and the kind of person you hope to become – that is where your worth lies.
Get support
It can feel isolating to be “stuck in the middle”. But other people have experienced something similar even if the exact details are different, and family counsellors are trained to handle situations like this. Support is there, whether you confide in someone you trust, a school counsellor or a mental health professional.
You can also consider the services below.
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Mental Health Support Hotline, a 24-hour hotline and support on WhatsApp: 18111
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Open Up, a 24-hour online text emotional support platform: openup.hk
Hang in there, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by clinical psychologists from Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative under the Department of Health launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.
