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Dear Friend,
Christmas is the worst time of the year for me. My parents are divorced and they care more about their new families than me. It hurts when I have to divide my time because it feels like neither of them really wants to spend Christmas with me. How can I tell them how I feel without making them angry?
Sincerely, Split
Dear Split,
We’re sorry to hear that Christmas feels so painful for you. It’s completely valid to feel this way, especially when family dynamics have changed and it seems like your needs aren’t being prioritised.
Divorce can make holidays incredibly challenging, and the sense of not feeling fully wanted is a deep hurt that many young people in similar situations experience. You’re brave for wanting to express your feelings, and that’s a positive step towards potentially improving things.
Starting a conversation
When sharing how you feel with your parents, the key is to approach the conversation calmly and focus on your own emotions rather than blaming them. This can help reduce defensiveness and keep things from escalating into anger.
Here’s a gentle way you might frame it. Choose a quiet, non-holiday time to talk, like over a casual phone call or in person when things are relaxed and use “I” statements to own your feelings.
For example, you could say something like: “Mum/Dad, I wanted to talk about Christmas because it’s been really hard for me lately. I feel sad and left out when I have to split my time, and it seems like your new families take priority. I know you both care about me, but it hurts to feel like I’m not fully wanted during the holidays. Can we figure out a way to make it feel better for me this year?”
This way, you’re expressing your pain without accusing them directly, which might make them more open to listening. If they’re receptive, you could suggest ideas like alternating full holidays or creating a special tradition just with you.
Taking care of yourself
If the conversation with your parents does not go well or they react angrily, remember that’s about their own emotions, not a reflection of your worth. It’s OK to step back and protect yourself.
In the meantime, think about ways to make the season more bearable for you, like spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies that bring you joy or volunteering.
If these feelings are overwhelming or persist, talking to a trusted adult, school counsellor or therapist can provide more personalised support. There’s no shame in reaching out – it’s a sign of strength.
You’re not alone in this, and it’s OK to prioritise your emotional well-being. Take care of yourself.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Ken Fung, a clinical psychologist, director of Therapy and Counselling at The Jadis Blurton Family Development Centre and founder of Your Relationship Clinic
