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Dear Friend,
I overheard my parents talking about getting a divorce, but they haven’t said anything to me yet. I have been very upset and confused because I feel that they are deceiving me by pretending everything is OK. Is there anyone I can talk to for help?
Signed, Hurt and Confused
Help! I constantly worry about what other people think of me
Dear Hurt and Confused,
Thank you for reaching out with such an important and brave question. It sounds like you’re feeling upset, confused, and maybe even a little betrayed by what you’ve overheard.
First, I want to tell you that your feelings are completely valid. It’s hard to hear something like this and not have all the answers, especially when it involves people you care about deeply, like your parents or your siblings.
You mentioned feeling like your parents are deceiving you by pretending everything is OK. It’s understandable to feel that way, but I want to gently suggest that they might not be trying to deceive you.
Sometimes, adults need time to figure out how to talk to their children about significant changes like this. They may be waiting until they have more clarity themselves or until they feel ready to explain things in a way that makes sense.
This does not mean your feelings aren’t important – it just means they might not know how to start the conversation yet.
In the meantime, taking care of yourself and finding someone to talk to about your feelings is important. Here are a few steps you can take:
1. Talk to a trusted adult
Is there someone in your life, like a teacher, school counsellor, family member, or even a close family friend, with whom you feel safe sharing your feelings? They can help you process what’s going on and provide support.
2. Write your thoughts down
Sometimes, writing down your feelings can help you sort through your emotions. You could even write a letter to your parents explaining how you feel – whether you give it to them is up to you, but it can help you organise your thoughts.
3. Consider talking to your parents
If you feel comfortable, you could tell them that you overheard their conversation and that it’s been hard for you not to know what’s happening. You might say something like, “I heard you talking about divorce, and it’s been making me feel confused and upset. Can we talk about it?”
4. Seek professional support if needed
Talking to a therapist or counsellor can help if you’re feeling overwhelmed. They’re trained to listen and support you through challenging situations like this.
Remember, what you feel is normal, and you’re not alone. It’s OK to feel upset, scared or even angry. What’s most important is that you take steps to care for yourself and find the support you need.
Best of luck, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Ken Fung, a clinical psychologist, director of therapy and counselling at The Jadis Blurton Family Development Centre and founder of Your Relationship Clinic.
