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Dear Friend,
I am 13 years old. I feel like I do not have many true friends who support me. When I confide in those I trust, they share my secrets with others. How can I express my hurt to them without damaging our friendship?
Sincerely, Betrayed
Help! I find studying really difficult but my mother thinks I’m just rebelling
Dear Betrayed,
We are sorry to hear some people have betrayed your trust and privacy. It must be difficult, and we can see how you might struggle to express your sadness while maintaining these friendships.
Here are some steps you can take to communicate your needs without losing your connections with friends:
Reflect on your feelings
Having your privacy invaded can evoke complicated emotions, including embarrassment, anger, disappointment, doubt and a sense of loss. Take time to acknowledge and process what you are experiencing. It is helpful to write down what you feel when your secrets are shared and how it affects your trust in your friends. This reflection can deepen your self-awareness and help you to articulate yourself more clearly when you talk to others.
Be honest and set boundaries
Let your friends know precisely what you need from them, and set your boundaries. Ground rules are essential for maintaining trust in personal relationships, especially when discussing sensitive matters.
You could say, “I really value our friendship, and it’s important to me that we can keep things between us without worrying that they will be shared with others.” This sets a clear expectation and emphasises the importance of privacy.
That said, it is acceptable for friends to seek external help if someone’s safety is in danger – especially in extreme situations like bullying, self-harm and serious accidents.
The right time, place and approach
Look for a moment when you and your friends are relaxed and not distracted. A quiet setting, like during a walk or when hanging out in a less crowded space, can create a suitable place for open dialogue. Avoid bringing it up when it’s busy or if they seem preoccupied.
When discussing your feelings, be polite and firm and keep your cool. For example, you could say: “I felt hurt because it made me feel disrespected and like my privacy had been invaded. I would appreciate it if you could keep our secrets between us and us only.”
Be prepared for different reactions
Hopefully, your friends understand and respond well. But they might not fully understand your perspective and become defensive. Remain composed. Consider monitoring the situation if you are worried about how they will react. Share something small and less sensitive, and observe. If they respect your privacy, you can gradually share more with them. This approach might help you regain and build more trust over time.
Keep an open mind and consider support
If your friends are not supportive or respectful of your feelings, it might be helpful to seek support from trusted adults, such as a family member, teacher or professional. They can provide guidance and help you to navigate your feelings. You can also call the 24/7 mental health support hotline at 18111.
If you need further help or someone to talk to, here are some links:
Hope this helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by clinical psychologists from the Department of Health under Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health
