When was the last time you told someone “no” after they asked you for help? If you spend more time taking care of others than you do for yourself, you might be a people-pleaser.
“People-pleasing refers to the tendency of individuals to prioritise the needs and desires of others over their own, often at the expense of their own well-being and personal boundaries,” said Adrian Low, a chartered psychologist.
Low, who is also the president of the Hong Kong Association of Psychology, talked to Young Post about how people-pleasing personalities develop and what can be done about it.
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At first glance, people-pleasing seems like a good trait, since being thoughtful about how you affect others is important.
“While it can be positive to show empathy, kindness and consideration for others, excessive people-pleasing can have negative consequences,” Low said. “When individuals consistently prioritise others’ needs over their own, they send themselves the message that their own well-being is not important.”
Where this trait comes from
Making other people happy even if it hurts you often comes from feeling insecure about your worth.
“Low self-esteem, fear of rejection or abandonment, a need for external validation, and a desire to avoid conflict can contribute to people-pleasing,” Low said, adding that outside factors could also play a role.
For example, at school, teens face expectations to do well academically and fit in with their classmates.
“Students feel pressure to please others, such as teachers, peers or even parents, to gain approval or avoid negative consequences,” Low noted.
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“The desire to be liked and accepted by others can lead students to prioritise meeting others’ expectations over expressing their own needs.”
For some, people-pleasing can be a result of an upsetting event that forced them to ignore their needs.
“Traumatic experiences, such as emotional abuse, neglect or bullying, can shape an individual’s behavioural patterns,” Low pointed out.
“[Victims] may have learned that meeting others’ needs and keeping them happy is a means of self-protection,” the psychologist added.
Symptoms of people-pleasing
Being considerate is not the same as people-pleasing. The psychologist shared how to tell if you might be trying too hard to win others over:
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Difficulty saying “no” to people
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Constantly seeking others’ approval
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Feeling guilty when putting yourself above others
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Experiencing anxiety or fear of disappointing others
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Going to great lengths to avoid conflict
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Feeling a lack of control in your decision-making
Always trying to make other people happy takes a toll on you.
“Constantly prioritising others’ needs over one’s own can lead to high levels of stress and anxiety,” Low warned.
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“Overextending oneself to meet others’ expectations can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion,” he added, noting that people-pleasers would feel burnt out from all the stress.
This behaviour also creates relationships where the other person expects you to help them without giving anything in return.
“They may enable a dynamic where their own needs are ignored or undervalued,” Low said.
Practise saying ‘no’
Understanding your people-pleasing patterns is a crucial first step. The psychologist suggested spending time to reflect on how these behaviours affect your life.
More specifically, people-pleasers should “learn to set and communicate personal boundaries, and practise saying ‘no’ when necessary”, Low said.
You need to figure out what your boundaries are. If you are starting to burn out, that is a sign that you need to say “no”. Identifying your needs helps you to value and care for yourself.
When you feel stressed about disappointing someone, Low advised having compassion for yourself.
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To build self-esteem, people-pleasers should challenge the negative thoughts or beliefs that drive their behaviour. So if you find yourself thinking “I need to do this so that this person will still be my friend”, remind yourself: “My friend is kind, and they will understand that I need rest.”
The psychologist recommended taking small steps: “Start by setting small boundaries, and gradually work your way up to more significant challenges.”
Breaking the cycle of people-pleasing takes time.
“Strike a balance between meeting others’ needs and taking care of yourself,” Low emphasised.
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