Do you have a personal question you’ve been too afraid to ask? Whether it is about school, family or your social life, you can share it with us through this form. Don’t worry, you’ll remain anonymous.
Dear Friend,
My best friend often lies or exaggerates when talking to our friends. I usually stay quiet. But recently, she told everyone a story that actually happened to me, claiming it happened to her. What should I do?
Signed, Stolen Story
Dear Stolen Story,
It is understandable to feel hurt and confused when someone close to us keeps telling others untruths. It’s even worse when your experience becomes material for her story.
People may exaggerate or lie for complex reasons, such as seeking attention, struggling with low self-esteem or feeling insecure. It is hard to explain why someone behaves that way without knowing the full background context.
Instead of searching for an explanation, here is some advice for you.
Settle your emotions
Discovering that a close friend has used your experience as her own story can bring up mixed emotions, including disappointment, hurt or shock.
Take a moment to pause, settle your mind and calm your emotions before deciding how to respond.
Start by acknowledging and accepting your feelings; this will allow you to address the issue calmly and clearly, rather than acting out of immediate frustration.
Then, decide what you want out of this conversation. Do you want her to apologise and tell your friends the truth? If she apologises to you privately but is too embarrassed to reveal the truth to your friends, would you be OK with that?
How much does that story matter to you? If your friend does not want to admit to the lie, how important is it for you to tell everyone else that it actually happened to you?
Think about what matters to you, what you hope will happen and how you can effectively communicate these thoughts with her.
Start a dialogue
A private, calm chat with your friend might be the best way to address the issue.
-
Pick the right time, the right place and the right manner for the conversation. Try to find a quiet, low-pressure moment when neither of you is busy or distracted.
-
Avoid calling her out in front of the group, which might make her feel cornered or defensive. Initiate the conversation with a gentle, steady tone, such as “Hey, do you have 10 minutes to talk soon?”
-
Try alternative ways to express yourself. If it’s hard to talk face-to-face, you can share your thoughts via text, a voice note or a short note. But ideally, it’s best to talk about something so personal in person.
-
Keep an open mind. Navigating friendship conflicts can be emotionally challenging, and she might not stop lying right away. Remind yourself to be patient; this may lead to a better connection.
Set boundaries
There is the possibility that she might not be ready to admit she lied. You can try to approach her as gently and kindly as possible, but in the end, there might be other reasons why she is unable to acknowledge the truth.
It is completely OK to adjust how you engage with her. Be assertive and set clear boundaries by choosing what personal stories or experiences you share with her in the future. This would help you protect your peace of mind as you decide how you wish to maintain the relationship.
Get support if needed
If things don’t go well and you keep feeling overwhelmed, consider confiding in a trusted adult, such as a teacher, school counsellor or family member, for additional perspective or advice.
You can also check out these links for more resources:
-
Shall We Talk’s mental health support 24-hour hotline. You can also call or WhatsApp 18111.
-
Open Up - 24/7 online text emotional support platform for ages 6 to 24
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by clinical psychologists from Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative under the Department of Health launched in collaboration with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.
