Do you have a personal question you’ve been too afraid to ask? Whether it is about school, family or your social life, you can share it with us through this form. Don’t worry, you’ll remain anonymous.
Dear Friend,
I feel very stupid for asking this, but how can I get over someone when we were never actually dating? We were just talking and hanging out, but we never made it official.
Now, things are over because he is in a relationship with someone else. Because we were not together, I feel like I can’t complain to my friends. What should I do to forget him?
Signed, Hurting in Secret
Dear Hurting in Secret,
First of all, there is no such thing as a stupid question. Sharing your feelings can make you feel awkward and vulnerable, so thank you for your courage in reaching out for advice!
It sounds like you truly treasured the connection you had with this guy. Even though you didn’t make your relationship official, it seems like you two shared something meaningful – a strong connection that hurt when it ended.
Now that he is in a relationship, it is only normal for you to feel a sense of loss. Looking back on those times, perhaps you may even feel a little regret, like you wish there could have been more.
Even if it was never official, you can still talk to your friends about it. Good friends will listen to how you’re feeling and provide comfort and advice, no matter how long or short a relationship was. What matters is how it made you feel, and your friends will want to be there for you.
Forgetting is not the answer
Firstly, forgetting this person is not realistic because the more that we want to forget something, the more we will think about it. Instead, start by accepting your feelings. It sounds like you liked him and probably still do, but also know he is now unavailable. That can be devastating. You don’t need to punish yourself for having a crush that didn’t work out. This can happen to anyone.
Once you have accepted these feelings, ask yourself: what is making you feel like you have to forget? Is it because you’re hurt that he is with someone else now? Do you feel rejected, lonely and maybe even jealous of his new partner?
Remember, all of these emotions are normal. Understanding them can help you find what you actually need. For example, are you looking for reassurance, comfort, closure or just some distance?
How to move on
Once you have sorted out your feelings and what support you need, think about your next steps. Here are some questions to get you started. What do you miss about him the most? What made your time enjoyable with him before? What did you like doing together? What did you like to talk about?
Remember, even if he is not available for a romantic relationship, he is still the same person. You can still hang out and have fun. Depending on how comfortable you are, you can find ways to maintain your friendship with him.
If it hurts too much to spend time with him now, it doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to forget his existence. It just means you need the space to really let yourself process your feelings.
You can even write in a journal so that your feelings and thoughts are not just looping endlessly inside your head.
At the same time, take this as a chance to build new connections. Hang out more with your other friends. Join some new extracurricular activities or clubs, and give yourself a chance to meet new people.
Remember, there’s nothing stupid about feeling this way. Allow yourself the time to heal and try meeting others who can match your energy and bring you comfort and joy again.
Best of luck, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Dr Carmen Ip, a clinical psychologist at Your Relationship Clinic.
