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Dear Friend,
When my best friend is joking around, she sometimes slaps my back while laughing. But it makes me uncomfortable, and sometimes it really hurts. How can I let her know without affecting our friendship?
Signed, Sore Spot
Dear Sore,
Even if a friend intends to be playful, their actions can hurt and make you feel uncomfortable. It sounds like you don’t think they want to upset you, but you also do not want to continue being hit, even in fun. Here are some suggestions to help you gently explain your perspective without ruining the relationship.
Draw a boundary
Your discomfort means a boundary has been crossed. In a friendship, you get to define what is and is not acceptable. It reflects what you value and need for that relationship to feel healthy and strong. These boundaries can be different for everyone. Because of this, not everyone will know where your limits are, and they may cross them without realising. For example, some people like to be greeted with a hug, while others only want a wave.
Communicate your boundary
Find a time when you are not in the middle of joking around. You could open the conversation with, “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something that makes me uncomfortable.” Here are some things you could keep in mind.
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Choose a calm moment. This sets the stage for a successful conversation.
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Use “I” statements. This is a good way to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. You are not blaming her for anything; you are simply describing how you feel. For example, you could say, “I feel a bit uncomfortable when you slap my back because it sometimes hurts.”
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Offer an alternative way to express humour that is within your boundaries. You could say, “If something is really funny, could we do a high-five instead? I love how much we laugh together, and I want to keep laughing with you!” This way, you are showing her you appreciate her humour – just not the slap on the back.
Observe and reflect
A true friend will want to respect your feelings. If your friend adjusts her behaviour, your relationship will grow stronger through this honest conversation. If her reaction is dismissive or she continues slapping you on the back, it’s worth reflecting. Does this friendship still feel safe and respectful? Your comfort and well-being are important.
Communicating your boundaries is an act of care for both yourself and your friendship. It provides the clarity needed for a healthy, lasting relationship.
You’ve got this, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Clare Pemberton, a psychotherapist and founder of Ember Wellness HK
