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Many of us have been in situations where we felt uncomfortable and just went along with it because it was easier than expressing how we really felt. However, Cherrie Chung, a counsellor at Insight Counselling, said that being assertive and voicing our opinions is actually a crucial life skill for teenagers in building confidence and navigating friendships.
“First things first, assertiveness is usually associated with being aggressive, and that’s not true at all,” Chung said. Assertiveness refers to the ability to express ourselves while being respectful and considerate of others. The difference between being assertive and aggressive is how we communicate.
She explained: “When we share our needs without thinking about how it might make others feel, it’s aggressive. Meanwhile, being assertive means expressing our needs in a way that’s considerate of others.”
Teens may struggle to understand themselves, so the ability to express their thoughts and feelings openly while being respectful of others can help build strong relationships.
Building confidence
Saying what we need has other benefits too. Chung noted that being assertive can help us feel better and more confident. This is because we are choosing to trust our judgment when we speak up. “In this sense, you are building up confidence in your decisions,” she added.
The counsellor used class projects as an example. “Everyone probably has a different idea of how to get things done and what tasks to take on. In this case, being assertive means standing up for ourselves and what we believe is best for the project’s outcome. But at the same time, we should be prepared for others to disagree and to listen to them,” she said.
While this sounds easy on paper, getting just the right balance of standing up for yourself and working well with others is more of an art. In addition, when we set boundaries with others, we naturally tend to over-explain or justify ourselves. Chung said that sometimes, not wanting to do something can be a good enough reason, and we can be polite about it by saying, “I see where you’re coming from, but I don’t think this is the best way to do it. How about …”
“Saying ‘no’ does not always feel good or easy, especially to friends or people we care about or don’t want to disappoint. It requires lots of practice – I think of it as a skill that can be built over time, much like building strong muscles,” Chung said.
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Things to keep in mind
When deciding whether to do something, take a moment to consider the reasons why you would or would not want to do it. Having these in mind can help you feel more confident when you voice your opinion.
Remember that feeling uncomfortable after saying “no” is normal and does not mean you made the wrong decision. Make sure to speak clearly and calmly when voicing your opinion; this shows you are sure about your decision, especially when talking to an adult.
“When you make an effort to choose what’s important to you instead of doing things you don’t want to do, it helps you to be more comfortable in your own skin,” Chung said. “And when you do this, you will build open friendships based on trust and confidence where people are honest about themselves.”
To test your understanding of this story, download our printable worksheet or answer the questions in the quiz below.
