The festive season is a time for family, friends and fun. But it can also be extremely nerve-racking for some teenagers. Katie Leung Pui-yan, a partner, child and family therapist at Therapy Partners in Hong Kong, explains why the winter holidays can be challenging.
Happy occasions like Christmas often reunite people who do not see each other frequently, like extended family and cousins. “These reunions often involve updates on each other’s lives, such as how school’s going and grades,” Leung said.
While these seemingly trivial questions might seem like a good way to connect and start a conversation, they can hurt a teen’s self-esteem. According to the therapist, mental health issues like depression often increase during the festive season.
“I have seen how anxiety and anticipation associated with holiday gatherings can be incredibly stressful for young people. Of course, many others enjoy the holidays, but it’s important to acknowledge that this isn’t the case for everyone,” she said.
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Why could the holiday season be stressful?
The therapist highlighted that gatherings tend to centre around positive news. But for those struggling with academic pressures or college applications, these gatherings can be stressful. They may feel inadequate if they are not meeting expectations or falling behind their family.
She said: “The expectation to ‘showcase their achievements’ can be overwhelming, especially when they are already going through a difficult time. They might also dread having to share bad news or, even worse, explain their ‘failures’.”
She added that even seemingly successful people may feel pressured to achieve more.
“It’s almost like they have to come prepared with a stack of resumes to tell people this is what they’re doing. Either way, there’s often this underlying pressure to perform and succeed,” Leung said.
How to reduce your stress
That said, with some preparation, the holiday season does not have to be dreadful and miserable. Identify who might trigger your negative emotions and who your allies are. This approach means limiting interactions with those who make you feel pressure, knowing when to end a conversation that drains your energy, and spending time with people who will not push you into conversations you do not want to have.
One good way to do so is using humour as a “defence mechanism”. Leung said: “You can deflect a question and be playful in your response. If someone asks about your grades, you can say, ‘That’s an interesting question, but what’s on the menu today?’ This shifts the focus without being rude.” At the same time, you can involve others in the new topic to redirect the conversation.
What else can you do?
Leung pointed out that many Asian cultures place a high value on gatherings and family time, and it can sometimes be difficult for teens to cut a conversation short or refuse to speak to someone without causing conflict.
In this situation, teenagers can take a more collaborative approach by discussing specific concerns with their parents, such as hurtful comments from relatives. This frames the issue as a problem to be solved together rather than a demand.
“One thing to watch out for when you try to share your feelings is that your parents might dismiss them, and say that it is not a big deal or the event is only for a few hours,” Leung noted.
If this happens, you can be more direct and assertive, letting them know that they need to hear you out and understand why it is important to you.
“There might still be a chance that your parents may still not agree with your feelings. But at least you’ve been heard and understood,” she said.
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A shift in mindset can also be helpful if you still cannot find support from your parents or are stuck in a gathering where you do not have someone to hang out with. Then you can ask yourself what you get out of the event – perhaps it’s a good meal or the chance to meet new friends.
If you thrive in these family gatherings, keep in mind that others might not share your excitement and think of how you can be supportive.
“If you know someone who is not looking forward to the holidays as much as you do, be there for them. Listen to what they have to say and offer your support. By simply listening, you could make a big difference,” Leung said.
