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Dear Friend,
On a trip with my family, I overheard them complain about me. When I confronted them, they pretended nothing had happened. Is family supposed to talk behind each other’s backs? Are they not supposed to be honest with each other? How do I discuss this with my family?
Signed, Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt,
Family relationships can be tricky sometimes. It is OK to be upset when things do not seem fair or honest. Families are made up of people, and people are not perfect.
Sometimes, family members might talk about each other because they are worried, frustrated or trying to figure something out. Their words and actions may not always be intended to hurt, but they can still sting – especially if you hear about it indirectly. Ideally, families should be honest with and kind to each other, but that does not always happen.
It is possible your family did not want to upset you. Or they were unsure how to discuss what was on their minds. When you confronted them, they may have felt embarrassed or unsure how to explain themselves. That does not make it OK.
But it could be a sign your family is not ready to have the open conversation you need. This is a tricky situation. Here is what we suggest.
Give yourself space to feel
It’s OK to feel hurt or angry. Try writing down your thoughts in a journal or talking to someone you trust, such as a friend or school counsellor, to figure out how you are feeling.
Talk to a trusted family member
Pick a peaceful moment and share how you felt when you overheard them. You could say something like, “I heard some things the other night that really upset me, and I just want to understand what’s going on.” Try to stay calm and listen to their side as well. Sometimes starting with one person feels easier than talking to everyone at once.
Be honest about what you want
If you would like your family to be more open with you, let them know. For example, you could say, “I really want us to be able to talk about things directly instead of behind each other’s backs.” This shows you care about having a stronger, more honest relationship.
Focus on what you can control
You cannot change how others act, but you can control your response. Stay kind and honest. That might encourage your family to do the same.
Families are not perfect; they don’t always get it right. What matters is that you are trying to understand them and work through this tricky situation, which shows a lot of courage. If things don’t get better right away, don’t give up. Keep talking, and maybe consider asking for help from someone like a counsellor if you need more support.
You deserve to feel valued in your family, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Ken Fung, a clinical psychologist, the director of therapy and counselling at the Jadis Blurton Family Development Centre and founder of Your Relationship Clinic
