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Dear Friend,
My brother stole some money from our parents and promised to give me a portion if I kept it a secret. However, I now feel guilty and ashamed about this situation, and I want to confess. At the same time, I don’t want to get him into trouble. What should I do?
Signed, Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
I can sense you’re feeling unsure about what to do, which is completely understandable. You care about your brother, but carrying the burden of this secret is really difficult.
First, I want you to understand that the guilt and shame you’re feeling are actually signs of your good character. They indicate that your values matter to you, and that is something to respect about yourself.
Here’s what I encourage you to consider: secrets involving dishonesty tend to grow heavier over time, not lighter. Right now, you are carrying a burden that isn’t truly yours to bear.
Your brother made a choice and, by asking you to hide it, put you in an unfair position. That’s a lot of pressure to place on someone who cares about him. Telling your parents isn’t about getting your brother “in trouble”. It’s about honesty and giving him a chance to correct his mistakes.
Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do for someone is to refrain from shielding them from the consequences of their actions and instead allow them the opportunity to take responsibility and grow from the experience.
If you choose to inform your parents, it may be a good idea to talk to your brother first. Let him know you care about him, but that you can’t keep this secret any longer. Give him the opportunity to tell your parents himself. If he refuses, you can let him know that you need to share the truth.
Ultimately, whatever decision you make, you deserve to feel at peace with yourself. That matters more than any amount of money.
Good luck, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Ken Fung, a clinical psychologist, director of therapy and counselling at Jadis Blurton Family Development Centre and founder of Your Relationship Clinic.
