Do you have a personal question you’ve been too afraid to ask? Whether it is about school, family or your social life, you can share it with us through this form. Don’t worry, you’ll remain anonymous.
Dear Friend,
I saw a student senior to me – whom I respect and was good friends with – being super mean to someone outside school. He doesn’t know I saw this side of him. Now, I feel scared when he approaches me, especially when I am alone. What should I do?
Signed, Intimidated
Dear Intimidated,
It is understandable to be shocked, disappointed and confused when you see someone you respect behave unkindly. Your uneasiness is valid, especially if you feel fear. Here are some suggestions to deal with this uncomfortable situation.
Calm your nerves
Being at ease is important. Try to stay in public, well-lit places and remain close to others as much as possible. This reduces the chance of encountering this senior student when you are on your own.
Consider if you made a snap judgment
It is clear you treasure certain virtues and characteristics, and it seems this senior gave you a different perception of them than the one you had previously.
That said, sometimes we do not have the context and background needed to understand someone’s behaviour. People can act out of character for many reasons, such as stress, personal issues or even a bad day. It’s important to remember that one single incident does not define who they are as a whole.
Continue to observe
Pay attention to how this student interacts with others. If his behaviour seems consistently negative, it may be worth reconsidering how you engage with him.
Organise your thoughts
Take some time to reflect on what you would like to do regarding your relationship with this senior. It is entirely your choice whether to maintain the friendship as it is or to set some boundaries based on how you feel. You can consider talking to someone you trust.
You can remain open to the friendship
You could consider expressing how you felt about seeing your senior treat someone unkindly, and ask him for an explanation. Genuine communication, as well as mutual acceptance and respect, is key to building a strong, lasting friendship.
Try to find a good time for both of you to talk it through honestly. This can help you gain a deeper understanding of each other while potentially saving your friendship.
Or you can set boundaries
If you wish, it’s OK to change the level of contact. You can shift your relationship with your senior from good friends to casual acquaintances in a polite way. You can avoid meeting him alone, and if you do see him, keep the interactions brief and simple.
For example, you could say, “Excuse me, I need to leave,” “I’m not available right now,” or “I’m meeting someone later; let’s keep this short.” These phrases may help you limit encounters in a socially appropriate way.
Keep making friends
Don’t let this stop you from engaging in activities you enjoy and making other friends. You can join societies, clubs, sports teams and volunteer work.
We hope these suggestions help. You can also talk to someone you trust for advice, like a friend, parent or teacher. You can also consider Open Up, a government-run 24-hour online text emotional support service.
You’ve got this, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by clinical psychologists from Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative under the Department of Health launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health
