Do you have a personal question you’ve been too afraid to ask? Whether it is about school, family or your social life, you can share it with us through this form. Don’t worry, you’ll remain anonymous.
Dear Friend,
I have been putting a lot of effort and time into my schoolwork, especially homework and revision. I also always try to stand up for what’s right. But all of this has caused me to lose friends. The people who are left are nice to my face, but I keep hearing that they talk about me behind my back. I’m really confused and hurt. What should I do?
Signed, All By My Lonesome
Dear Lonesome,
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Feeling left out by friends – especially when you’re working hard on your studies and trying to maintain your values – can be deeply upsetting. It makes sense that you’d feel hurt, confused and even a bit helpless. Here are some tips and suggestions to help improve your situation while staying true to yourself.
Find small, low-effort ways to stay connected without sacrificing your studies
Your education matters, but so do your relationships. The goal is not to become super social, but to maintain a balance that allows for meaningful connection.
Even small, consistent efforts can make a difference. For example, you could set aside 10 to 20 minutes to chat during lunch or after class once or twice a week. You might also consider joining activities that align with your interests – clubs or classes built around shared topics can make socialising feel more natural and less draining.
Another simple option is inviting someone to study with you. This lets you keep your focus while also creating space for connection, helping bridge the gap between your focus on academics and your need for friendships.
Keep communication open and honest
If you feel comfortable, consider talking to your friends about how you’ve been feeling. Sharing your thoughts calmly and without blame can often clear up misunderstandings and prevent assumptions from growing.
You might say something like, “I’ve been feeling a bit left out recently, and I’m not sure why. I just wanted to check if I’ve done anything that came across the wrong way,” or “I really value our friendship and wanted to understand what’s been going on.”
Approaching the conversation with openness and care makes it easier for others to respond with empathy. An honest, respectful conversation can strengthen understanding, trust and a sense of belonging.
Stay true to your values, while expressing them with warmth
Being principled and hardworking is a real strength. These qualities often draw in people who respect and share similar values. At the same time, if you come across as very focused or serious, others – especially those who are more relaxed – might feel unsure how to connect.
The goal is not to change who you are. Simple gestures can make a big difference. Asking someone how their day is going, showing interest in their experiences or offering help when you can will create a sense of ease and connection.
When people feel seen and valued, they’re more likely to open up in return. Remember, you do not need to become a different person. Try small, friendly signals – like a genuine smile, eye contact, active listening, light humour or expressing appreciation.
Seek support when you need it
If these feelings continue or become overwhelming, it can really help to talk to someone you trust. This might be a parent, teacher, school counsellor or another supportive adult who will listen and offer guidance.
You do not have to handle everything on your own. Reaching out for support is a positive, proactive step, and it can give you reassurance, perspective and ways to cope.
Things will be OK, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by clinical psychologists from Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative under the Department of Health launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health
